Filialness

What is filialness? As a child and a mother of two, how can I see filialness?

Filialness is like compassion and loving kindness. This also goes with understanding (wisdom). As a child working/studying interstate/overseas that doesn’t mean you don’t love or care for your parents any less. If you live far away from your parents; if you know how to love and look after yourself then you have fulfilled your filialness to your parents. But what does it mean to know how to love and care for yourself?

1)      You don’t go with friends who lead you into doing all the wrong things such as drugs, alcohol, stealing, indulging yourself into late night parties

2)      You care for yourself by not to getting sick all the time, by eating and sleeping right, wearing the right clothes according to the weather

3)      You don’t waste time and money on anything that is not necessary (you know how to set priorities in your life)

If a child can do all the above when they study/work interstate/overseas then they won’t let their parents worry, this is called filialness. Filialness doesn’t mean you need to be with your parents 24 hours 7 days per week. Filialness means you don’t make your parents worry. Even if you live with your parents and you make them upset all the time, this doesn’t mean you love and care for your parents.

Sometimes parents can be unreasonable such as my father told me years ago: “You get marry with this guy.” I told my father: “I don’t love him. I can’t get marry with him.” He also said: “You get away from Buddhism!” I didn’t listen to him that doesn’t mean I don’t love my father. I love him dearly but if I listen to him, I myself will suffer and miss out on the vast number of valuable life teachings from Buddhism. I explained to my father about his unreasonable requests. At the end he agreed.Filialness doesn’t mean you need to listen and obey blindly with unreasonable requests. As a child, you listen with care to their side of the story and you tell them how you feel. This is why I don’t have generation gap with my parents.

As for all mothers, they want to see their children excel. It is just like you are flying a kite, you want your kite to fly the highest. As a mother, I want to see my children fly high. It doesn’t matter what they do but they have to strive for their best in the field they have chosen.  

Buddhism teaches us to have filialness but not to become attached. Parents love their children and children love their parents. This is human nature. When we love without attachment, this won’t form a burden on both sides. Like Siddhartha Gautama, he loved his father but he left home to pursue his dream – to help people liberate from suffering. This didn’t mean he didn’t love his father any less. He attained nirvana to repay his filialness to his parents. He did his best for his parents and people. He didn’t become a king and follow his father’s wish. This didn’t mean he did not have any filialness. We need to see things in a wider (preferably 360 degree – to see the whole range instead of a corner) perspective.